If I accept the sunshine and warmth, then I must also accept the thunder and lightning. - Kahlil Gibran
Let me start by giving some personal advice and then we will get into a few pointers that you should refrain from whilst married.
In my experience as a Counsellor, I found that most marriages start with couples being obsessed with each other, having those tingles and butterflies, and little effort is put into working on the marriage. We start believing and telling ourselves that that is what a marriage should be like. We start forgetting that marriage comes with the rights of the husband and wife, but most importantly it comes with RESPONSIBILITY. The responsibility that you have over your husband/wife.
A marriage will also never succeed if you do not put in the effort to maintain the love within the marriage. Love is not that tingly, butterfly feeling. Love is a choice. A choice that we choose to make every day of our lives. It is also important for you to communicate your love to your spouse. Let them know what makes you feel loved or ask them what you can do for them to feel loved.
I need you to understand that before you even decide to get married you need to know who YOU are before you can know who your spouse is. I feel this is very important because no one will ever be able to understand you if you do not understand yourself.
You also need to make sure whatever decisions you are making when choosing a spouse are in line with your moral values, because if it is not the same, it will be hard for you and your spouse to see things eye to eye.
Once you are married, you need to be your own individual. You cannot depend on your husband/wife for your happiness. You need to understand that happiness comes from within and that no other person can give you happiness. The person you marry just adds to your happiness but does not become your happiness. Your happiness is your own responsibility, so do not demand your spouse to fill your empty cup of happiness.
You need to remember that you are two completely separate individuals on two completely separate journeys and that you are choosing to walk your separate journeys together.
Things that you should refrain from in your marriage:
1. Do not disregard your spouse’s feelings
This is very important in getting to know and understand your spouse because he/she will feel that they do not matter to you if you do not take the time to listen to them.
2. Do not speak to friends/family about your spouse
If there is anything your spouse is doing that you are not particularly fond of, speak to her/him about it and sort it with them. This will keep friends and family from thinking or having ill thoughts of your spouse.
3. Do not disrespect your spouse or make them feel unloved
A man, by nature, thrives if he is respected the same way that a woman thrives if she feels loved. This is, however, very tricky in the sense that the one feels that he/she will only give when they get. But, this is, unfortunately, the most obscured way of thinking, because if the one is going to wait for the other to start the reciprocation, then how will it ever be nurtured. So, the most obvious thing to do is to always give and not expect, because expectation often leads to disappointment. Always give of yourself, because the more you give, the more it opens your heart to receive.
4. Do not socialise with the opposite sex
We should never take for granted that spending time with the opposite sex, is done innocently. Your intentions might be pure, but you do not know the intentions of the other. It takes only a moment of vulnerability, to ruin your marriage.
5. Do not chat via any social media form with the opposite sex
This is often the first step to infidelity. Most times we think that having an affair is associated with having sexual relations only. But, the only way for that to have started is through some sort of communication. So, it is very important to understand that if you are chatting to the opposite sex without your spouse knowing, you are already cheating.
6. Do not complain about anything your spouse is doing or not doing
This is often very common in our marriages because we often only see what the other is not doing and we forget about the million other things that they are doing. When your spouse starts complaining, you need to immediately know that your spouse is feeling some sort of frustration with you. You should not necessarily take it personally, but rather ask what it is that he/she is feeling frustrated about. Listen to what they are saying and how you can make it better for them.
7. Do not dishonour your spouse
Any man/woman will feel disgruntled if their spouse belittles them and does not look out for them. This can be avoided if the spouse always speaks up for their husband/wife, even if it is a joke made by the family. If he/she is hurt by any such comment, then it is your duty to protect their honour.
8. Do not make your friends a priority in your marriage
Remember that your spouse always comes first, if you would like to spend time with your friends then make sure you discuss this with your spouse beforehand and don’t just expect that he/she must understand.
9. Do not limit your spouse’s potential
Allow your spouse to explore and give them the space to grow if it aligns with both your values and beliefs.
10. Do not forget to make time for each other
Being married comes with lots of responsibilities, with both spouses working and having children. There is hardly any time for the two to spend quality time with each other, so again, you need to choose to make time. Decide on a day once a week that is only for the two of you, with no children and no other distraction. This must be time designated and should be adhered to at any cost.
May your marriage always be blessed.
Being Mindful,
Ganeefa
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